Written by Mandi/Fics_At_Random
Rated R or more
“Christ, I’m sorry, Ennis… But I ain’t gonna lie t’you, I…”
“I remember,” he murmured, his fingers tremblin, touchin his forehead as if t’coax more outta it, his middle finger thumpin jus’ between his eyes. “I remember…”
“What?” Jack’s heart sped up an pulsed blood in his ears; it was a wonder Ennis couldn’t hear it.
“I don’t know…”
Jack was quiet ‘til Ennis started talkin again. “It was… we was drinkin… drinkin whiskey an we were fuckin fall down drunk, you went in that tent by yourself… an I stayed by the fire ‘cause I didn’t wanna sleep in that goddamned cat piss tent again…”
Jack laughed nervously, stoppin quick for fear it’d put a halt t’the memories.
“You told me t’come in…. an… we..”
“Yes…” It was guilty. He never before felt like he’d tricked Ennis into anythin, but suddenly, their first tangle together seemed like it’d been a trap.
He bit his lip. Jack looked at him with sorrowful blue eyes. “Ennis, if I’d a known you didn’t want it, I would a never…”
He didn’t speak, but stared off somewhere deep in space like he was thinkin hard on somethin so painfully simple his little daughter might a understood it better’n he did. “That weren’t the only time…”
“No…” More guilt. Goddamnit!
“I came t’you one night… Wish I remembered why, but I sat at that fire half the night ‘til I… I don’t know why I had t’be near ya… I almost didn’t…. I did, though.”
“Yes…” He took a hopeful breath.
“That first time…. That first time we didn’t kiss or nothin but… I knelt in that tent next t’you an you… you touched my arm an…”
“We kissed,” Jack finished. There was a long silence filled a regrets.
“Did you want to?” Ennis asked.
“Did you wanna kiss me or did ya do it outta some regret that you led me on or…”
“Ennis, Jesus Christ, no!” He felt dirty all of a sudden. Absolutely filthy. “I mean I… I wanted to, I didn’t lead ya t’think nothin that weren’t true. It weren’t jus’ the fuckin t’me, it was…”
Couldn’t quite say what it was. That was the trouble with this whole mess; none a it had words.
Ennis rubbed his face gingerly. “I remember.”
“Do you wish you didn’t?”
Another long pause.
An Ennis Del Mar wasn’t lyin.
“I don’t remember why…” He began, stopped, an began again, “I cain’t remember why… I left.” An married Alma instead a takin up with you, was the end a that sentence, but there was no way he could say that.
“You said y’weren’t queer.”
“Me neither.” The silence again was deafenin ‘til Jack spoke t’break it. “Ennis… what are we?”
He sighed. “I don’t know… This ain’t supposed t’be like this, you an me. I don’t think there’s somethin t’call two fellas like us.”
Queer is a good a one as any, his mind grumbled, but Ennis ignored it.
“I guess it ain’t so much what are we, but… what are we gonna be? Whaddya want us t’be?”
“I ain’t got an answer…” He looked truly sorry for it, too.
It seemed like the right moment; it was. It was like the planets aligned an all a God’s creation was in harmony when Jack’s lips touched Ennis’. There was a moment he thought t’fight it, but there was a part a him that couldn’t… wouldn’t.
There was a world a memory in Jack’s kiss, better’n any cure any doctor could a provided. He grabbed for the back a Jack’s neck, a silent plea t’not leave him standin here so unsatisfied, sendin his stuck life into reverse an sendin him back t’wherever lonely place he came from.
Don’t go. Stay here… I want… I wanna remember you…
His world continued t’spin outta control; was this wrong? He was always told it was, an a painful pinprick memory bit in him the back a the mind of two roughnecks from his childhood, one drug dead, the other run off…
I’ll stay, Ennis… I’ll fix you, I swear to God I will… He heard Ennis’ thoughts as if they were his own, as if they had been shouted off a the mountain top.
Lights flashed behind his eyes at painful memories a goodbyes; was this gonna end in another one? He couldn’t be bothered t’think on it as he kissed for all he was worth, as if it were, and might a been, for that matter, the last kiss he’d ever get.
He pulled back an held Ennis’ slightly damp cheeks in his palms. He tried t’nudge past them an put their lips back together but Jack wouldn’t allow it… like he was distancin himself from the oncomin hurt.
“The hell are we… gonna do?” Jack half panted.
Ennis squinted his eyes shut; was he rememberin somethin else?
“I love you,” he whispered, face scrunched up like it hurt him t’admit it, but hurt him worse not to. “Goddammit, I love you…”
Jack stood stunned. His mouth was dry an couldn’t produce words.
“You don’t feel the same,” he murmured, an accusation.
“That’s… the first time I ever heard ya say them words t’me…”
“How’d this happen?” It was a quiet demand.
“I don’t know…” Jack sighed, for the first time realizin a very painful fact. “Maybe ‘cause this wasn’t gonna work.”
“Was it ‘cause I ran off?”
“You’re a shitty liar, too.”
They smiled briefly, neither one really meanin it.
“I love you, too,” Jack finally replied. “I jus’.. didn’t think I’d hear those words t’this name outta that mouth.”
Ennis looked away. He remembered somethin else. Somethin his mother had told him a long time ago. There’s gonna be one moment in your life where you get the chance t’do somethin special. Keep your eyes open an don’t miss it.
Was this it? Was this the chance? Or had it come an gone in a whisper a air past him an was already gone? Here he was, a broken shell of a man with no memory, loved painfully by two people, two more’n he’d ever expected.
I cain’t leave Alma an Junior… Junior needs a daddy, an she’s my whole world… Alma wouldn’t let me come within a mile a her if she knew… this.
But those eyes… Goddammit, I ain’t seen blue like that before… I wish I remembered it better.
“I cain’t,” he started, but the words wouldn’t come out.
Jack knew. The words didn’t hafta come out.
“I shouldn’t be here,” he said suddenly, his stormy blue gaze turnin south, away from Ennis, away from all this fuckin complication. “Weren’t right t’pull you outta your life an fuck things all up…”
“That what you think this was? Some fuck up?”
“No,” he said softly, sadly. “It ain’t a fuck up, it’s selfish.” When Ennis didn’t talk, he continued. “I had no idea you was hurt, I did this… not cause I wanted t’help you, but wanted t’be with you.”
“It is when you got a life with someone else.”
“What if I don’t want it?”
“Don’t talk like that.”
“What if I don’t?”
“You’ve been hit in the head, you don’t even sound like you no more.”
“Jarred somethin loose.”
“No, it made you a fuckin crazy sumbitch talkin like this.” Jack rubbed his forehead. Why’d I go an do this? Fuck up his life an mine, ‘specially when he’s so broken? Did I gotta break him further?
“I want this,” he said plainly, but the look on his face didn’t match the Ennis that Jack knew when they was nineteen.
“You think you want this,” Jack sighed, sittin down on a well placed rock. Ennis, in an odd gesture Jack never thought he’d see from him, knelt between Jack’s knees an stared at him like a kid expectin answers to a particularly tough question. When Ennis reached for Jack’s hands, he nearly ripped them away outta shock or duty, but neither one penetrated the need t’be touched by him.
“I do,” Ennis said slowly, like he suddenly wasn’t so sure. “Gonna be a lot t’give up, but… I cain’t… I cain’t…”
“That’s right, you cain’t,” he squeezed the warm hands that had somehow found their way intimately into his own. “You got a kid and a wife an… A whole life that I didn’t come here t’fuck up…”
“I’ll…” The words didn’t come. He furrowed his brow an looked at the earth between ‘em. “Find… a way.”
“What way is that?”
“I… I don’t know.”
“There ain’t one.”
“There’s gotta be… I ain’t walkin off this mountain without ya for a second time.” His eyes were a deadly kinda serious, the kind you saw in someone who was about t’do somethin rash an irreversible.
“Don’t do this,” Jack pleaded, suddenly illuminated at the realization that he’d probably just ruined this man’s life… one way or another, someone’s heart was gonna break, an damned if he was gonna let it be that woman an kid’s. They didn’t deserve it. “I… I don’t want this.”
Ennis’ hands dropped outta Jack’s. “You’re a shitty liar, too.”
“I want you t’be happy.”
“I ain’t gonna be…” The realization dawned on Ennis, too. No one was gonna be truly happy when this was all said an done. There weren’t no winners in this game.
An when that realization hit, the trip t’Brokeback Mountain was over.
They held each other for the last night in that tent; but nothin happened. They held on like it was their last moments together, knowin it were probably true.
An Ennis Del Mar did somethin he hadn’t done for years; quietly, curled around Jack Twist’s back, he cried.